Did you know there are two handicaps in club golf? There’s the one on the scorecard and the one you ‘used to play off’.
Let’s set the scene. You’ve blocked one into the car park. There’s an awkward silence (the kind I really love). But before you reached into your bag to reload, you had to go ahead and break it.
And for reasons known only to yourself, you’ve unburdened yourself like you’re online with an AI chatbot.
What’s the big secret – the one that’s been eating you up since we shook hands on the tee?
Ah, yes. You weren’t always a 19-handicapper threatening windshields. Once upon-a-time – here we go – you played off 6.
The lid’s off. Pandora has escaped the box and your golfing life story’s now being drilled into my ears like a jackhammer.
I haven’t hit. I’m trying to go to my happy place, but I’ve caught the nub of it – the reason you’re no longer ‘winning everything you enter’.
What I heard was ‘before the kids’.
I’m not interested in what your handicap was – give my ears a rest
Before the kids you spent every night drilling balls at the range. Before the kids you could hit a tight little draw and barely shot out of the 70s.
Before the kids you were just a couple of lessons away from threatening the pros. Now everything’s gone downhill. One child soon became two and then three.
There may have been mention of a dog. A mortgage. It’s all so desperately disappointing. You could have played on tour, now you’re in suburban purgatory.
Give it a rest. Firstly, you’re not special. This is a story oft told.
And at no point have you admitted that, far from being a stranger at the club over the last few years, you’ve actually played more golf than Donald Trump.
There is something really odd about the way some golfers feel compelled to justify their bad golf and how their former handicap has become more legendary the worse they’ve become.
It’s also weird how there is never any evidence for their former heroics. The 24-handicapper, who is insistent they were ‘3 when they were younger’, is never on any honour’s boards.
Any teenager that shot level par back in the day used to be followed about by the local rag like they were going to be the next Tiger Woods but, no, there’s not as much as a single headline.
Your golf is an urban myth.
But I’m now going to do the rest of you a service. If you hear any of the following phrases, flee the scene like you’ve just received one of those emergency texts on your phone. Otherwise you’re in for a long day.
‘Before the kids’
The Cadillac of excuses. I hope your poor offspring never hear it, because using one of life’s great joys as the reason you can no longer regularly make a 3-footer is pretty poor parenting.
‘I don’t play as much as I used to’
This one’s a double-edged sword. You’ll either hear it as their face is buried in despair in their post round pint, or it’ll arrive just as you’re about to tee off in a crunch match play game. If it’s the latter, it’s all a ploy and you’re doomed.
‘I was pretty good once…’
Show me the receipts.
‘If I could get my old swing back…’
It’s a repetitive motion, not a missing person’s enquiry.
‘My back/knees/shoulders are gone’.
Golf is not for you. Try bowls.
They’re all excuses. It’s got nothing to do with your kids and you’ve just broken Toptracer with that slice. If you don’t like your handicap right now, practice and play more. But for love of god just zip it and stop telling me what you used to play off.
Now have your say
Is this a familiar experience for you, or is the Angry Club Golfer delusional yet again? Let us know your thoughts on this golf handicap scenario in the comments, or get in touch on X.
